i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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