He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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