Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize