My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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