ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
