I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
