I just pynch a tree in the face
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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