Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
