I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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