She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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