i'm signing you up for texting rehab
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize