i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
