What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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