i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
well you can't waste a boner
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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