If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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