She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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