it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
