From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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