Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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