I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
