first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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