I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
