I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
