i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
