I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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