worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
