Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
