I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dick very happy bro
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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