I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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