Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
