I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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