I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
