I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
