I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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