the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I love having hate sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
