you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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