Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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