Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
