I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
