meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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