I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
