im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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