Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
