Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
