you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize