I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
MIDGETS
????
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
