mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
