Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
