my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
