Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
