pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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