I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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