Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
