I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
