I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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