we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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