If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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