I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
