you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
