I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
