I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
